As Miss Heels herself, Sarah Jessica Parker, has even admitted, high-heeled shoes pretty much destroy your body. Some, of course, do so more conspicuously than others. In an angered homage to the flashy footwear that flaunts its ankle-twisting, knee-destroying, toe pinching properties, here are Listicles’ 14 Insanely Dangerous High-Heeled Shoes.

Reverse Heels

Delightfully meta, also extremely precarious-looking.

Zombie Heels

Good for kicking zombies; also falling and being eaten by zombies.

Spider Heels

Great, in theory.

Skate Heels

Because roller skates aren’t already dangerous enough.

Glam Punk Heels

For the most incongruous look possible.

High-Heeled Phone

Need to make a call? Give you feet a break and go barefoot for a few blocks!

Nail Heels

We understand it’s a visual metaphor, but still, ouch.

Motorcycle Heels

Probably doesn’t even have a seat belt.

Lamborghini Heels

Probably don’t even have headlights.

Rubber Ducky Heels

This seems sinister, somehow.

Clear Plastic Heeled Boots

Wish you could walk around with your legs bound in cling-wrap? Here’s the next best thing.

Metal Chair-Like Heels

They look something like an uncomfortable patio chair, except more uncomfortable.

DIY Heels

Home-made bricolage, slightly less uncomfortable-looking.

Bottle-Opening heels

Finally, a practical use for vertiginous heels!