The food bloggosphere is all a-Twitter over goat meat, which is the most consumed meat in the world and in the midst of a transition to haute cuisine status (at least the New York Times says so). Although many of the goat recipes we’ve come across (like goat tacos and goat ravioli) sound amazing, we’re a little apprehensive about eating goats. So before we dig in, we’re laying down some ground rules. Here are 10 Goats We Refuse to Eat (under any circumstances).

Goats That Dress Like Hipsters

Because their ironic-cool vintage polyester clothes probably taste gross.

Featherweight Goats

Because they can outclimb us, and probably don’t have much meat on them anyways, not unlike…

Pigmy Goats

Because they’re absurdly cute and totally defenseless, unlike…

Goats with Big Horns

Because we don’t think they’d be very into the idea.

Married Goats

Because we’re hopeless romantics.

Goats That Grow On Trees

Because we’re told they taste even worse than tofu-based imitation goat.

Trojan Goats

Because we suspect there’s an army of goat warriors hiding inside.

Wise Grandfather Goats

Because they’re our elders.

Goats With Scary Activist Friends

Because animal rights activists scare us, like the PETA faction featured in this goat-loving South Park clip:

South Park’s Dr. Cornwalis