Hollywood seems intent on gutting the TV Guide archives for script ideas. Sometimes these small-screen-to-big-screen endeavors work (The Fugitive), sometimes they don’t (A Night at the Roxbury), and sometimes they really, really don’t (Bewitched). Here are the upcoming and rumored adaptations that better not ruin my memories:

The A-Team Oh, A-Team movie, my requests are few: Mr. T must make a cameo, no matter how forced; keep the sexist undertones intact; and at the film’s climax, Colonel John “Hannibal” Smith absolutely has to say, “I love it when a plan comes together.”

Status: In development, though director John Singleton pulled out last fall.
Release Date: 2010
Rumored Stars: Bruce Willis, Woody Harrelson, Ice Cube, Mel Gibson

Veronica Mars An adaptation of the cult-favorite teen detective series is being spearheaded by creator Rob Thomas, with interest from producer Joel Silver. The show stumbled when Veronica went to college in season 3, so I support Thomas’s idea to set the movie after graduation.

Status: In development: Thomas has begun work on the screenplay.
Release Date: Unknown
Rumored Stars: Original cast members Kristen Bell, Jason Dohring, and Enrico Colantoni have all told Thomas they’ll participate.

Land of the Lost Adaptations of beloved kids’ shows are often disappointing because they pander to today’s youth (like 1999’s Dudley Do-Right and Inspector Gadget movies).  The big screen treatment of this Sid & Marty Krofft show is instead intent to satisfy nostalgic adults: Will Ferrell told an interviewer that it “will be PG-13…right up to an R.” The blockbuster budget (around $100 million) concerns me, though. The best parts of Land reruns were always the campy-terrible set pieces and special effects.

Status: In post-production
Release Date: June 5, 2009
Confirmed Stars: Will Ferrell, Danny McBride, Anna Friel, Jorma Taccone

Johnny Quest Warner Brothers announced a live action version of the adventure cartoon in 2007 with director Peter Segal. Development seems to have stalled last year, possibly due to the poor box office performance and even poorer reviews of Speed Racer. I’m more excited for Steven Spielberg and Peter Jackson’s Tintin adaptation.

Status: In development, director Peter Segal attached
Release Date: Unknown
Rumored Stars: None 

Arrested Development The film has been “confirmed” at least a half-dozen times, but there’s no evidence of development yet. While most of the show’s cast has expressed interest in participating, Michael Cera has been stubborn, joking with an MTV reporter that he’d put the script in the shredder.

Status: Who knows? According to Cera, it’s “more hypothetical than you think.”
Release Date: Unknown
Rumored Stars: Jason Bateman, David Cross and Portia de Rossi have all publicly stated their willingness to do the film.

Rome The gritty, violent HBO show was cancelled despite a committed fanbase. Creator Bruno Heller has stated that he’d like to helm a film that would bring closure to the series.

Status: Script in development, with Heller and producer William J. MacDonald attached.
Release Date: Unknown
Rumored Stars: Ray Stevenson, who starred as Titus Pullo, has expressed interest. 

Brüno Sascha Baron Cohen is bringing another Ali G Show character to the big screen: flamboyant fashion reporter Brüno. Cohen’s Borat attracted a broad audience, from fan boys to frat boys, who are basically guaranteed to buy tickets for his future projects. For good measure, he’s already executed his first publicity stunt (crashing a Milan fashion show in character).

Status: In post-production
Release Date: May 15, 2009
Confirmed Stars: Cohen, unwitting bystanders

Dallas The primetime soap about wealthy Texas clan the Ewings is something of a cultural touchstone–so the producers seemed set on taking the film to an entirely different place than the series: the comedy genre. With rumors of major stars and a healthy budget, it’ll likely be a summer blockbuster if it ever gets out of the gate. 

Status: A script was in development, but director Gurinder Chadha told a London paper that the project might not come to fruition.
Release Date: Unknown
Rumored Stars: John Travolta, Jennifer Lopez, Josh Brolin, Diane Ladd, Luke Wilson