This season’s Top Chef crash pad, a spacious apartment in Brooklyn’s Williamsburg neighborhood, just hit the rental market for $12,000 per month. Sous vide fetishists might jump at the chance to eat, sleep and walk around naked in the flat (aside: somebody [not me] should name their private part “Colicchio”), but what’s with the Craigslist ad? Reality show memorabilia was meant to be sold on eBay (the two are so well-matched that eBay once tried to develop a reality program with ABC titled, at different points, Buy It Now and Make it Happen). Here are the best souvenirs the auction site has seen:

 

7. Kim Kardashian’s Range Rover from Keeping Up With the Kardashians: Kim sold a signed 2006 Rover featured on the show to benefit the Dream Foundation, which is supposedly a Make-a-Wish for grown-ups (”because adults have wishes too”), but it sounds like a offshoot of The Human Fund. The eBay page plays some awful Pussycat Dolls song for no apparent reason. NSFW, if you work in an office with a modicum of intolerance for Robin Antin projects.

Winning bid: The vehicle went for $65,100.
Retail cost: A used 2006 Range Rover can command around $37,000.

6. Lo’s Volkswagen Jetta from Laguna Beach: Before primetime dry-heave The Hills premiered, Lauren Conrad sidekick/Laguna Beach costar Lauren “Lo” Bosworth tried to sell a white Jetta gifted to her in Laguna’s graduation episode. She also promised to tell the winning bidder “everything that has happened in [her] car.” ZOMG, this Volkswagen is full of secrets! Is that sticky spot on the backseat floor from a spilled bottle of Sun-In or Stephen Colletti’s first handjob?

Winning bid: The listing has since been removed from eBay, but an online forum commenter reports that the car sold for $15,000.
Retail cost: a gently-used 2004 Jetta would have retailed for upwards of $10,000 in 2006.

5. David Archuleta’s Bracelet and Shirt from American Idol: This is mostly lame because Archuleta delegated the sale to Bonnie Hunt, who, with each successive career move (Cheaper by the Dozen, Life With Bonnie), shits all over my good memories surrounding her participation in Jumanji. Now I guess someone gave her a syndicated talk show where she can make aging ladies feel okay about placing multiple votes for 17-year-old American Idol contestants.

Winning bid: The shirt, bracelet and a signed poster and CD fetched $6,550.
Retail cost:  Unsigned and unworn, an oxford shirt, rubber bracelet and memorabilia total about $70.

4. Jacquie’s Bikini from Survivor: Gabon: You guys, Survivor is still on and its stars are apparently the kind of people who think it’s okay not to keep their underwear on when trying on bathing suits. It’s categorized under “television memorabilia” on eBay, so maybe her intention wasn’t for the winning bidder to actually wear the bikini, just to treasure it. I don’t know what’s worse, actually: wearing a strange woman’s bikini bottoms or considering them a keepsake. “Hey, Paulene, what’s that bunched-up fabric on your mantlepiece?” “C’mon, Laura, don’t you recognize Jacquie’s bikini from Survivor: Gabon when you see it?” “Oh! Of course, Paulene! You should really have it bronzed to preserve the Lycra.” “Duh squared, Laura.”

Winning bid: An unsanitary $78.99.
Retail cost: A new printed bikini top and matching bottoms cost around $60.

 

3. Snoop Dogg’s Shed from FatherHood: Snoop put his shed up for auction, with all proceeds meant to benefit his youth football league. Now I’ve never seen FatherHood except for this one time on a JetBlue flight, but I’m happy to know that Snoop had a “‘Dogg’ sanctuary” in which he could retreat from the rigors of his jobby job.

Winning bid: eBay’s winner paid $5,600.
Retail cost: An unpainted wooden shed costs between $3,000 and $4,000.

2. Memphis’s Bandana from Big Brother 10: What? Who? I’ve never watched Big Brother, but I have seen Spanish iteration Gran Hermano, and I can confidently report that any apparel worn by a cast member should be boiled and incinerated, in that order.

Winning bid: A disgraceful $78.77.
Retail cost: An new, unsoiled bandana costs about $3.

1. Brian Fortuna’s Shirt from Dancing With the Stars: Is he one of the hammy quasi-stars or one of the hammy quasi-dancers with whom the stars are paired? It’s becoming harder to differentiate between the two with each passing season. The seller provides a pretty terrific item description:

“It was obtained by sources close to the show. I can’t elaborate further than that but to say it is 100% authentic and will come with a Certificate of Authenticity from me. You just have to decide if you feel comfortable with this item. Talk is cheap but I can assure you I’ve been in this business for years am very honest. I want you to feel comfortable with this purchase and have all I can do to assure that. As you can see, pinned on the inside is a label that says “BRIAN”. The shirt is a wine/maroon from ML: Material London. There are no other tags on the shirt so I’m not 100% sure what material it is but I’d guess some form of cotton.”

“Some form of cotton,” indeed.

Winning bid: Still for sale! Place your bets now, Fortunatics!
Retail cost: Dependent on the particular form on cotton, I suspect.