Happy Chinese New Year, and welcome to the year of the ox. Because we here at Listicles embrace multiculturalism of only the most tokenistic variety (is multiculturalism tokenistic by definition? Discuss), we offer our predictions for the year ahead by way of China’s traditional oracular authority, the fortune cookie.

Actually, fortune cookies have typically been served alongside Chinese food in North America since the first half of the 20th century, and were likely popularized by Japanese bakers immigrating to California. In China, virtually nobody eats fortune cookies, except by a strange process of reverse-culinary colonization via globalization. That being said, we’d still like to help you prepare for the year of the ox ahead with Listicles’ 15 Funny Fortune Cookie Fortunes.

The Fortune Before the Kidnapping

The Self-Consciously Postmodern Fortune

The Sweet Fortune

The Fortune Promoting Self-Esteem (and masturbating ?)

The Fortune That Plays it Safe

The Fortune Planted by the SPCA

The Fortune Planted by the Spinach Lobby

The Joke’s On You Fortune

The Joke’s On Us Fortune

The Take Your Time Fortune

The Cynical Divorced Uncle’s Advice Made into a Fortune

The Aliens Are Reaching Out to You in Your Fortune

The Brutally Honest Fortune

The Fortune That Reads Your Mind

The Greatest Insult Could Be Your Fortune

Happy year of the ox!