Here at Listicles, we’re very much in favor of new beginnings, fresh starts, re-inventions and re-definitions (did you notice we re-vamped our logo about a month back, huh, isn’t it new, sexier and therefore better?). That said, we’re also very much not in favor of being given something packaged as “new” that is in fact a haphazardly revised version of the original.

In that respect, we’re very much like the folks at The Onion’s A.V. Club, who’ve compiled a terrific listicle of misguided pop culture and junk food refurbishings. Here are some of our favorite disastrous re-editions from the A.V. Club’s 14 Disastrous Re-Vamps.

The New Coke

Cola soda updates just don’t fly (witness Pepsi Twist, Pepsi Max, Vanilla Pepsi, Crystal Pepsi, Pepsi Blue, etc.). The failure of New Coke (which has preoccupied us for some time already) is perhaps the most elemental and pure expression of the empty-headed “new is better” marketing philosophy (where does Coke Zero fall within this trend?). The fact that they had to tap generational father figure Bill Cosby for the accompanying ad campaign says a lot too.

McDonald’s “Deluxe” Line

Nobody bought this misguided early nineties campaign to claim a more adult, health-conscious market, and McDonald’s simply went back to courting kids to get them addicted for life. It was funny while it lasted though:

The New Monkeys

With its lightning run of 13 episodes, this eighties heavy/hair metal update of the original sugar-coated pop ensemble The Monkeys stands among the most ill-advised of recent re-ups. It’s as if the cultural signifiers of Beavis and Butthead were grafted onto the happy-go-lucky world of Alvin and the Chipmunks. But don’t take our word, check out this clip wherein The New Monkeys inexplicably meet the Pope:

The XFL

We’re not particularly fond of brutish sports (as previously reported, we’re avid curlers, thank you very much), so this combination of football and choreographed wrestling into the most objectionable kind of macho, misogynistic, apolitical hedonism formed an affront to most of the things we hold dear in this world. Fortunately, the league barely outlasted our sense of moral outrage, closing after its inaugural season. Some highlights from 2001, the one and only XFL season:

The New Bionic Woman

The writing wasn’t brilliant, but the re-hashed seventies TV show basically created a third-wave feminist superhero plot that we were actually excited about. Check out the trailer for the fast-defunct 2007 show (and try to ignore the awful dialog):

The New Knight Rider

With infinitely less potential than the above series, the new KITT quickly tailgated The Bionic Woman into the forgotten garage of recalled TV show re-vamps. This entry also highlights another mis-guided revision, the new Ford Mustang, seen in this clip:

Strangely Absent: The New 90210

We don’t really think this one needs explaining (except the fact that it hasn’t failed yet…).