Aaron Sorkin is now in a relationship with his rumored Facebook movie, which will supposedly be more about the rise of boy wonder Mark Zuckerberg than the SuperPoke sexual thriller that I was hoping for. Either way, internet + Hollywood = pure camp, mostly because using the internet is something that requires no real action or dialogue and cinema is something that should probably have both of those things.

Hackers: Okay, hackers do not look like Jonny Lee Miller or Angelina Jolie or her on-set lesbian lover. They look like this guy. This movie was made while it was still pretty dorky to use the internet (or as tech blogger and Hackers superfan Vince Veneziani tells me, “the internet kind of wasn’t real back in 1995″), so the writers could throw around whatever buzzwords they could think of (”Type ‘cookie,’ you idiot”) and hope the audience would accept it as expert hacker-speak.

Untraceable: Diane Lane is an FBI agent at the mercy of someone without an IP address.

The Net: Sandra Bullock’s character works on computers in her pajamas all day, so when someone on the internet steals her identity and tries to kill her in Mexico nobody believes her because she doesn’t have any friends and her mother has the most conveniently unrealistic Alzheimer’s ever (she held this title until Gena Rowlands’s brilliant interpretation of the degenerative disease in The Notebook). The moral is “have a job that requires pants.”

You’ve Got Mail: Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan have some meaningful internet relationship some time before dating sites full of women pretending to be Jewish. This movie is the cinematic equivalent of those CD-Roms you used to get in the mail every week with 100 free hours of AOL.

The Core: The government hires DJ Qualls to hack the entire internet so nobody finds out about their top-secret journey to the center of the earth. I don’t remember much else except that everyone in this movie has amazing bangs.

Swordfish: No, I’m sorry. Hugh Jackman is not a renegade hacker.