As our collective dreams of financial frivolity are fueled over the weekend only to be dashed by Monday morning’s increasingly rude awakenings, so Listicles’ weekly financial column Big Money Mondays takes a closer look at our fantasies of luxury. In this first installment we look at the soon-to-be-extinct luxury car field. The dedicated car enthusiasts at rpmfreaks.com present their Top 3 Affordable Luxury Cars list in this quietly hilarious video:

Now that a woman with a thick Australian accent and an Eastern-European Bond girl’s first name has told you which luxury cars to buy (for between $25,000 and $32,000) from Detroit’s disaster zone, let’s see some more market-appropriate alternatives that are infinitely more affordable and (in some cases) much cooler.

Unicycle ($50)

Sure, luxury cars look great evading pursuers and leaping over slowly parting drawbridges, but unicycles are less expensive, less pretentious and don’t require gas. Besides, you can’t take that Chrysler out on the weekend to play hockey in the street with the neighborhood kids.

Pogo Stick ($25)

Luxury cars also lose much of their pizzazz in the bumper-to-bumper heave-ho of commuter gridlock, a daily reality for everybody. Everybody, that is, except the select few who commute to work every morning with an ultra-agile, geek-chic pogo stick.

Hover Board (free, with your imagination)

Great for dodging bullies, cars and pedestrians, hover boards will soon be available for free, to be stolen from un-protesting young girls on a street near you. Drawbacks: their 80s futuristic-cool might not outlast the current Reagan-era fashion fad, plus they don’t run on water or without “power.”

Segway ($5,000)

Touted as the transportation alternative of the future before we all saw how silly they look, Segways remain a good, cheap car substitute. They’re especially empowering for those with reduced mobility: injured and overweight people, and massively obese animals: