The Monday morning come-down from the weekend’s escapism doesn’t have to be entirely depressing. Occasionally, financial news can still be profitable and even funny. Here’s proof that stocks are still a bag of laughs:

For financial optimism we turn to Forbes, and John Reese’s list: 5 Hot Stocks for the Long Run. Reese manages to incorporate market theories and stock-talk that even money-dumb folks like us (me) can understand. Even if you’re not going to invest, it’s interesting to see what kind of companies do well when everyone else is bracing for disaster.

• 1. Emergent BioSolutions: This appealing company name implies freshness and creativity (”Emergent”), practicality and pragmatism (”Solutions”) and eco-friendliness (”Bio”). And at a moment of unparalleled opportunity for green businesses, what better place to put your money? Oh wait, no, it’s actually a biomedical company that manufactures vaccines for anthrax, typhoid and tuberculosis, among others. Cashing in on health risks never gets old, apparently.

• 2. PetMed Express: Strange, you’d think that in a recession spending on pets would plummet, yet this animal meds-manufacturer is performing like a racehorse on steroids (which, sadly, they don’t sell). I suppose the lesson to be taken from this Top 2 is that when Americans have nothing else to spend money on (homes, cars, etc) they can still put it towards their health and that of their furry companions.

• 3. W.R. Berkley: Now that everything is disaster-prone, insuring against those myriad meltdowns means it’s a good time to be an insurance company. Hence this entry on Reese’s listicle, a firm specializing in insuring special niche groups. I wonder if they’ve tapped this niche yet:

• 4. Apollo Group: This one’s a no-brainer: with wallets tightening and college tuition rates sky-rocketing, online colleges like the University of Phoenix (which Apollo runs) are a sure bet. Next step: set up a virtual campus in Second Life so as to be impervious to real real estate difficulties, like so:

• 5. Life Partners Holdings: When times are hard and people will sell anything to get a little cash, companies like this will make a killing. In this case, the phrase is almost appropriate, as Life Partners Holdings makes their impressive profits by buying life insurance policies on the cheap before the person dies and the full money is payed out.

After selling old age, health, animals, education and insurance, what’s left? Listicles prediction: selling middle-class children to rich people so they’ll have a better life. Demonstrated here: