From our backwards-looking year-end perspective, 2008 looks like it was all elections, Olympics, financial crises and Jokers. Although the scientific community flew under the radar while entertainment, politics, and the economy fused into one giant, indistinguishable headline-multiplying beast, some important things were discovered by our test tube-toting, lab-coated friends this year.

Incapable of figuring them all out ourselves, Jeff Houck of the Tampa Tribune has done all the work for us, allowing Listicles to present you, dear reader, with this lab report of our 15 favorite new findings from among the Top 50 Scientific Discoveries of 2008:

• 1. Dogs experience jealousy and pride (read the story): We sort of figured this was the case, because whenever we manage to intercept a frisbee throw at the park around the corner the canine would-be receiver looks jealous of our awesome jaw strength and powerful teeth. More often, our running leaps misfire, the dog in question looks proud and we end up looking like this:

• 2. Puerto Rico’s anole lizards do push ups and generally show off to get attention (read the story): This is good news, because the last time the anoles had us over for drinks they were getting faaaat:

• 3. Stress can cause human brains to shrink or grow (read the story): We find this one fascinating: someone who goes through a traumatic experience will come out of it with a dramatically reduced or increased cranial capacity. That’s wild! The next thing to figure out is what kind of stress makes brains grow and what makes them shrink.

• 4. Bullies get biochemical pleasure from watching others in pain (read the story): That explains Nelson Muntz’s tireless dedication to pushing the boundaries of bullying, devoting entire days to mockery and even learning new languages to expand the global reaches of bully-ism:

• 5. Using social networking sites at work increases productivity (read the story): No, we didn’t plant this entry in our listicle in an attempt to retroactively justify many work hours not wasted. We just hope the research that lead to this discovery wasn’t conducted at Facebook headquarters.

• 6. Scientists have made soy products less farty (read the story): It’s true, in 2008 we lost our only remaining excuse for not being completely vegetarian. I guess we’ll have to start eating the giant block of tofu we’ve been disguising as “our blind friend Kevin” for the last three years:

• 7. Weak and “wet” handshakes are a handicap (pun!) for job applicants (read the story): Well that figures. Although there was that one time when we were 12 and went to Seaworld and asked the lady in the wet suit if we could be a shark trainer. Maybe if our hands had been wet she would’ve given us the job.

• 8. Online searches increase brainpower more than books for the middle-aged and elderly (read the story): Another nail in the publishing industry’s coffin (and another market conquered by Google).

• 9. Men with apnea often have trouble becoming aroused (read the story): Men everywhere now have a new I-don’t-wanna-have-sex excuse: “Honey, my apnea is acting up.” Bob Dole also has a new erectile-dysfunction niche-market to tap.

• 10. Wearing flip-flops too often increases the risk of skin cancer on feet (read the story): Wait, you mean those cheap, rigid pieces of low-grade plastic and rubber that leave our delicate foot-top skin exposed to the year’s harshest sun rays aren’t good for us? What about our special green flip-flops?

• 11. T-Rexes had really bad sinus infections (read the story): That explains all the stomping, snarling, flesh-tearing and limb-severing. Maybe we should send a dentist back in time to make the dinosaur period more peaceful (I nominate Jean-Claude Van Damme).

• 12. Mexican scientists found a way to make diamonds from tequila (read the story): I wonder how much tequila the scientists had to consume before making that discovery.

• 13. Women with female supervisors are more stressed than colleagues with male bosses (read the story): So the male-dominated office world breeds antipathy between women, how surprising…

• 14. Chimpanzees remember who did them favors (read the story): This is a relief. With all the chimpanzees we’ve broken out of zoos and trained for armed combat, if the authorities ever catch up with us we’ll have a small army of greateful chimpanzees to defend us.

• 15. Three cups of coffee per day can make women’s breasts shrink (read the story): With the financial crisis, women who might have spent thousands of dollars on breast reduction surgery can save money by drinking coffee. <insert joke about cup sizes here> We just hope it works for men too (time for a coffee break).

(via BuzzFeed)