Hulk love hurts.

The saucy supernerds at io9.com took the recent releases of Hancock and The Incredible Hulk as an opportunity to explore the quiet plight of sexually dysfunctional superheroes. Some of their findings:

• The Hulk (turns green)

• Superman and Hancock (ballistic sperm)

• Spider-Man (radioactive sperm)

• Rogue of the X-Men (absorbs life, not in a sexy way)

• Ben Grimm of The Fantastic Four (pants are full of rocks)

Though io9.com’s Charlie Jane Andrews does well explaining the physical and supernatural barriers inhibiting these heroes’ libidos, he neglects the deeper psychological roots of their sexless situations. Some pop psychology after the jump.

The Hulk’s bedroom woes spring from his anger, but what is the source of this anger? Jedi Master Yoda, that diminutive superhero from a long, long time ago, told us that “fear leads to anger.” As a symbol of post-industrial America’s super-specialized workforce, scientist Bruce Banner (The Hulk) is angry because he lives in fear of a collapsing white-collar job market and the dwindling research and development sector.

Hulk’s sexual incapacity is a symptom of his socio-economic impotence, and he turns big and green (the color of money, not incidentally) to recover the might his class position once afforded him. Hancock and Superman present variations on this theme of using physical strength to replace jeopardized social standing.

Rogue and Spider-Man come into their sexual disadvantages from the opposite direction, as misfits whose social and romantic pursuits are fraught with awkwardness. The dangers their powers pose to their loved ones are a kind of internalized anger towards a world of romantic and sexual relations they’re always left out of. Deadly sex is their response to years of humiliation for awkward episodes like this one:

The Fantastic Four’s Ben Grimm, with his massive, rocky form, is clearly a symbol for poor body image. However, to say that big people and bulky superheroes can’t get their rocks off is to ignore some pretty clear evidence to the contrary:

The Thing gets hot and heavy.