Sometime before scrapbooking hit it big, crocheting was the folsky art project of choice for thousands of Americans. The crochet community relies on authorities like Crochet Magazine and the blog Crochet Me (tagline: “Fueling the crochet revolution”) for the hottest yarns, patterns and rising stars. Many prolific needle jockeys don’t stop at winter hats. Here are their most pointless outputs:

10. The Thing, from the The Fantastic Four

 

Angry, orange, played by Michael Chiklis, and now immortalized in yarn.

9. Hot dog, replete with mustard

 

Why was it placed beside a jar of mayonnaise in the picture? For scale?

8. Poinsettia blossom

 

For those (me) tempted to eat the pretty (but highly poisonous) plant your mom (my mom) always puts out at Christmas.

7. Telephone

 

“Hey, Susan? I think we have a bad connection. It’s probably at my end because I am calling you with yarn.”

6. Teacups and saucers

 

Somehow, even more inadvisable than a crocheted bikini.

5. TV dinner

Adds a soft touch to the plight of my latchkey kid youth.

4. Pirate bear

 

Now being sold at Six Flags Over Somalia.

3. Cranberry Sauce

“Ha-ha, Mother. I meant pass the edible cranberry sauce, not the near-perfect facsimile.”

2. Princess Leia

No, it’s absolutely not okay to be aroused by this.

1. Patriotic duck

Oh, patriotic duck, if only I could crochet a time machine, go back to November 4th and change my write-in vote for children’s musician Raffi to a vote for McCain.