Onesie here, freelance mascot and sports writer, with the first installment of Listicles’ weekly sports column, Sporty Saturdays. Normally I’ll give my thoughts on a Top 10 highlight reel covering one or more professional sports.

However, this weekend being the feast of Thanksgiving – a typically American holiday that, for many, is little more than a prolonged eating competition – we’ll be delving into the amateur arena reached by taking all-American consumerism to its logical, terrifying and riveting extreme: the eating contest.

6. Sushi-Eating Contest

Though the poise and technique are impressive and the prize is surprisingly great, sushi is far too tidy, healthy and foreign as a food competition item. Things get messier after the jump.

5. Pizza-Eating Contest

The real surprise here is that the classic Italian slice-folding strategy has been displaced by the crumpling technique. Joey Chestnut demonstrates it brilliantly with dexterous fingers and a terrific sense of geometry.

4. Pumpkin Pie-Eating Contest

This competition is season-appropriate and very intense, but what’s with the adult man wearing face paint? Is he a novelty wrestler moonlighting as a competitive eater? Also, the prize for eating the most pumpkin pies is a pumpkin pie?

3. Bacon-Eating Contest

Gross. Why not just have a lard-eating competition while we’re at it? And doesn’t the winner look an awful lot like Quentin Tarantino? Somehow the idea that he’d be really into competitive eating doesn’t seem that outlandish.

2. Burrito-Eating Contest

More than a competition between mere mortals, this is also a showdown between the two oldest methods of burrito-devouring. The double-fisting style employed by the winner has been dated back to an ancient Mayan ceremonial eating competition for picking new chiefs; traditionally, all the runners up were killed then made into burrito ingredients for the inauguration feast. Meanwhile, the runner-up’s unwrapping technique first appeared during the Mexican-American war in border towns where tensions were diffused by holding eating competitions. Pro-American eaters unwrapped their burrito ingredients as a way of showing symbolic disrespect of the traditional Mexican food.

1. Hot Dog-Eating Contest

A Japanese guy wins a traditionally American competition, so our solution for getting the title back is to make him compete against a bear? That makes me so mad I’m turning dark orange!